How to Slate Without Recommending

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A few days ago we offered the opposite take – How to Recommend Without Slating.  Today – How to Slate.

Slating is a time-honored tradition, often associated with vote fixing, intimidation at the polls and such familiar expressions as “Vote Early, and Vote Often”.  Not to mention its institutionalization among political parties (when was the last time you saw a Democrat on a Republican ticket…or vice versa?).

Of course, the best place to Slate is within a totalitarian regime when you are affiliated with the powers-that-be (you can back up your suggestions on how to vote with  some real threats like imprisonment, torture, the imprisonment and torture of your family, seizure of your business and other assets, internal exile, confinement to a psychiatric clinic or even execution), but since most voluntary voting takes place within societies that allow some degree of freedom of expression, we’ll assume that the easy path is not available to you.

So, assuming that you believe the majority will vote against whatever outcome you are trying to achieve and assuming you can’t just fill out all the ballots yourself, or can’t physically force voters to vote the way you want them to for some liberul panty-waist reason, and assuming that it’s too expensive to buy enough votes to win (or you enjoy the bitter-sweet taste of fooling people into paying for your own fun) you’re going to need to take a few steps before getting to the actual vote.

First and foremost is – invent a cause.  People need something to vote for, right?

Wrong.  People need something to vote AGAINST.  Voting for something is a positive action that promises rewards if you win (your pick won – yay you!; the policies you agree with will now be implemented – yay for you!).  Voting against something engenders fear, and fear is the key.  Well, fear and hate, but we’ll get to hate in a second.

Engendering fear in  the mind of an individual (potential) voter is a key to success.  It has been proven time and again that fear causes most people to lose their higher-order reasoning capacities.  Fear makes the adrenaline flow and once that adrenaline hits the brain, it’s fight or flight, baby.  Get as far away as fast as you can or, pound that thing into a bloody pulp that dare not open its mouth again!

The fear reaction is fleeting, however.  Once the perceived threat is far away or rendered impotent, the adrenaline stops flowing and reason begins to return.  And that’s where hate comes into the picture.

The cause you invent must not only have the potential to engender fear, it must also be a sustainable fear.  A threat that never ever goes away.  The brain chemistry of people who live in a constant state of fear begins to change.  They get sensitive to any kind of emotional appeal.  Their perception alters and they see things to fear almost everywhere.  Whatever the cause is becomes responsible for every upset and hiccup in their lives.  If it could only be eradicated, they could get back to normal – but you won’t let that happen because –

all good causes should be at least marginally plausible, and based on amorphous, unprovable, non-existent things.  That last is very important.  If your cause incorporates the unreal, your opponents can’t ever disprove your claims.  You’ll have achieved the Holy Grail of conspiracy theories – forcing the other side into a logical impossibility.  No one can prove a negative.  And any time your opposition tries to make a point, you can claim that they’d not be objecting unless there really was something going on – denial is PROOF!   Using this method you don’t even have to have an opposition to begin with.  You publicly float an outrageous, unprovable contention and well-meaning individuals will naturally attempt to bring reason to the table.  Viola, instant enemy because, if they don’t immediately see the justice behind your claims, they must be against it, and everything else you’ve ever said, not to mention all of the other people living in fear.

So, you need a cause that’s presented as being against something.  Preferably something you can couch as a positive:  “We’re for healthy children – that’s why we’re against vaccinations!”  “We support the family, that’s why we’re against gay marriage!”  “We’re for freedom for humanity, that’s why we’re against the lizard people who secretly run the UN!”  “We’re for US winning, that’s why we’re against THOSE people having a vote!”

And then.  Then you must find a goat.  A scape goat.  An individual or group, preferably one you perceive as being politically naive, that you can focus all of that fear and hate on.  People who are for childhood vaccinations and the government institutions whose research backs them up;  the gay people who are sinning all over the place and destroying the moral fabric of an entire nation; the lizard people and the rich bankers who are in league with them; the people who are standing in the way of your winning because they don’t like your politics and/or winning apparently makes them money.  That you ought to have.  Your children are starving and they’re the reason!

Once you’ve managed to get your message out there, it’s recruitment time.  You need at least a couple of individuals who have or can be given the mantle of authority.  Usually they are people who have enjoyed some degree of success in their chosen field (however strained that claim might be) and who can be convinced that getting behind your cause will increase their influence, put more money in their pockets, give them power.  You know, people who don’t think too hard about stuff, people who have ego needs, people who think their ponds are getting a little shallow.

If you choose well, your scions will have followers, most of whom will be more than happy to jump on the bandwagon for no other reason than wanting to get their own little taste of egoboo.  Some will even come to believe that backing your cause will lead to their own success and riches because a rising tide lifts all boats (except those with holes in the hull). Those who disagree will largely remain silent;  they don’t want to jeopardize what little worth they’ve gained through their previous association (and they don’t want to be turned into the ENEMY).

At that point you’ve got spokespeople and a rabble to sway.  It’s time for the slate.

When you offer your slate, you explain that going along with it is the one sure way to end all of the suffering, all of the injustices you’ve suffered through (collectively), as a way to strike back at that group of moral bankrupts whose very existence is responsible for making your mother cry.  THEY have all the good stuff.  If you want any, you’ll join the parade.  The enemy is so strong (look how long they’ve been on top!) that the only way to end the injustice is to act as an army of righteousness.

There’s only one way to make the pain stop and that’s by doing what we tell you to do.

`Once your slate is out there, a few other things:

  1. Your slate should only be comprised of individuals or things that support your cause
  2. Alternatively, your slate should have the appearance of being egalitarian as an effort to try and fool the opposition (“what do you mean we’re against you – we’re voting for your guy!”)
  3. It should be as simple and short as possible (Don’t confuse the minions with too many choices.  Remember that you swayed them with an emotional appeal and that they are therefore vulnerable to other emotional appeals)
  4. Whenever anyone deviates from the party line – attack them.  Attack them, attack the opposition’s choices, ideas and explanations
  5. Never admit to failure, never deviate from your goal.  Never grant the opposition any credence.  If you must appear to do so, do it in a way that renders it meaningless, or appears to be to your own benefit
  6. Attack everything the opposition does, however petty or ridiculous or transparent it may be.  Attack misspellings, deliberately misunderstand what they are saying, ignore any facts that do not support your narrative
  7. Don’t be afraid to use non-customary tactics (like Swatting or attacking someone’s livelihood, their family, friends) – the other side would be using them if they were smart enough to do so
  8. Always attempt to widen the scope of your cause.  Find other groups of minions and weave elaborate conspiracy theories that demonstrate that their cause is the same as yours
  9. Don’t be afraid to outright lie.  It’s for a good cause.
  10. If you lose – don’t worry.  Losing is just proof that your opposition is stronger, more deeply entrenched, more powerful, more devious, nastier, more morally bankrupt and corrupt than you originally gave them credit for.  The opposition is even MORE of a threat than anyone realized.  Boy, you all have really got to do something about that!

 

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