Welcome to the grand tour of Great American, where you can choose the end of your life. Nothing says American like going out with a bang…
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Great American Life Choice Emporium. My name is Alex, and I’ll be your guide today.
Before we get started, let me give you an overview of what will be included in this tour. You’ll be seeing our dedicated staff, view some of our special facilities, learn a bit of our history, and understand why this wonderful company is the leader in this field. Great American prides itself on offering a full range of services. That’s why all of us hope Great American will someday be your life choice partner.
It looks like we have a couple of latecomers – excuse me, sir, ma’am, may I see your tickets? Thank you. Now, does everyone have a copy of our sample contract? No? Here are some extras, if you’ll just pass them back.
Please just follow me, and we’ll begin our tour. In this first corridor, you’ll notice framed pictures of a select few of our clients. We don’t have time to let you stop and read the inscriptions, but don’t worry. Copies are available at our gift shop, which is conveniently located where we end the tour. Yes, there are quite a lot of them, aren’t there? Yes, ma’am, we do reserve the right to display a picture of any of our clients. It’s in the contract. Page seven, third paragraph.
Sir! Please don’t try to remove any of the pictures! Thank you. Oh, they’re your parents? How ni – oh dear, please sir, try to get hold of yourself. I said DON’T TOUCH! Oh, goodness, there goes the alarm. Just a moment while I get it turned off.
No, we won’t be locked in very long. The security door automatically comes down if anyone touches or tampers with the frames. It’s just part of our extensive security system here at Great American. But sir, you will need to control yourself, or I’ll have to ask security to – you promise? All right then.
While we wait for the guard to get here and unlock the door, I’ll give you some of our company history. Great American was founded immediately after the Supreme Court refused to rule on Colorado’s Life Choice Law. That makes us the oldest company in this field. Life Choice is now a basic civil right, right up there with voting and marriage. More recently, it has been guaranteed by the 29th Amendment.
Indeed, ladies and gentlemen, what we provide is not only your right, but since last year’s Federal bankruptcy and suspension of all Medicare benefits, perhaps even your civic duty.
Oh, good! Here’s security now. Give this nice man a hand, folks, and we’ll continue our tour.
As we move along, you can peek through these one-way windows to see our busy and efficient counselors at work. They are some of the most important people here at Great American. Many of them have a background in psychology, and all have undergone extensive training in human relations and decision making. They take great pride in their work, and you can rest assured they’re eager to help you make the right choice.
Well, no. If you’d prefer to work with a counselor of a specific ethnic group or orientation, that’s fine with us. It’s all part of our goal of being your partner in this endeavor. No. Trust me. We’ll gladly accommodate your wishes in this area.
Now let me bring your attention to the collection of photos along this wall. They are our Counselors of the Month, going back three years. Yes, that’s Chris. He won the award eight months straight, not to mention he over-fulfilled his quotas in six of those eight months. I know, quite an amazing record. We all miss him. Oh, he decided to avail himself of the generous employee discount we’re all eligible for. Right after Christmas. The next holiday season won’t be the same without him.
I’m glad you asked that question. Death is the final, the great mystery. Why let it catch you unprepared? Why linger for years in the twilight of Alzheimer’s? Suffer the long, slow disintegration of the Wasting Virus? Why be a burden to your children? Or, if you have no children, why spend years alone, unvisited, watching your contemporaries slip away one by one? Why not go joyously forth to that next stage, a clean finish to this life and a glad entrance to the next? Yes, we do have a list of consulting ministers, priests, rabbis, and imams who work with our clients. Moreover, by partnering with Great American, you can plan every last detail.
I beg your pardon? Please, we prefer to think of it as the ultimate life choice. Suicide is such an ugly word. We should call it by its true name, assisted death, going gently into that good night, as the poet so wisely put it.
The next several windows look into the banquet rooms. Many of our clients want to have a final meal, a last supper, so to speak. You can choose a solitary snack, or a reception for three hundred. An intimate gathering of your closest friends, or garden party for a thousand. Best of all, we can cater to any dietary request or requirement. Kosher, vegan, gluten-free, low-fat, low-cholesterol, we can provide it. Yes, of course you can request high fat or high cholesterol. It’s entirely up to you. Why, just last month, we did a feast in the Roman style, with brandied hummingbirds, candied pears, Nubian waiters, the whole works. How I wish you could have been here.
Now, everyone please stay with me as we take a closer look at some of the many choices Great American offers. Here’s the Classical Room. Note the Doric columns, the banquet couches, and the fountain gaily tinkling in the background. We often have it flowing with champagne. Or Coors. Or diet cola. It’s entirely up to you. That’s right, they did the Roman banquet right here. Are you feeling all right, ma’am? You look a little pale. Well, maybe it’s just the light in this corridor.
This is the Olde English Tea Room, a particular favorite of the ladies. Your sister? Lovely, no doubt. Excuse me, sir, but you’re not allowed to take pictures. You may buy souvenir holograms at the gift shop at the end of the tour. I almost forgot. If you show them your ticket from today’s tour, you’ll get a fifteen percent discount on your entire purchase. It’s our way of saying thank you for visiting us.
Oh, this is great! They’re reopening the Frontier Room. I didn’t think we’d be able to see it today. It’s immensely popular, and there was quite a big event here last night. Rifles, knives, a couple of robo-bears. I understand it was the largest group we’ve ever had, and I’m quite frankly surprised it’s ready to show again so soon. But then, our maintenance crews are the finest in the industry. Yes, ma’am, those are drains on the floor. Uh oh, just – oops! There’s a restroom right back down the hall, right before the Tea Room. I’ll text Security to let them know you’re with my tour, and they’ll see that you rejoin us.
The rest of us can move right along. Watch your step there. I’ll phone for a clean-up. No, they’re used to it. Just part of their job. I may have already said we have the best maintenance people in the industry.
Excuse me, you two back there. Yes, you joined the tour late? Please do keep up with us. We wouldn’t want you to get separated from the rest of the group. Someone might think you were a client gone astray. Just a little joke, sir. You needn’t worry about that.
Ah, it looks like some lucky person is using this next one, our In-Flight Room. Yes, that’s why the observation window is shuttered. Behind those shutters is a quarter-sized mock-up of a 797 jet cabin. It can be configured as first class or coach, and offers several options from explosive decompression to a simulated crash. No, we don’t allow outsiders to view any rooms while they are in use. However, some of our clients choose to have everything recorded so that others might share their final moments.
No, that’s not too personal and I’ll be glad to tell you. I’m working my way through college, and once I get my counselling degree, I’d like to stay right here at Great American and work directly with wonderful people just like you. I can think of nothing more gratifying.
Certainly not! I cannot state it too strongly. We would never persuade anyone to use our services against his or her will. But now that you’ve brought it up, we at Great American are proud to say we have the highest contract fulfillment rate in the industry, an enviable 96 percent. That’s well ahead of McTomb’s, Rocky Mountain Immolation, or the Kevorkian Klinik.
Why is our rate so high? Well, sir, it’s due to our philosophy here at Great American. Our psych people screen out the mere thrill seekers or those just suffering from transient depression. We won’t sign a contract with anyone we think has not fully thought out this decision. Our first, last, and only obligation is to our clients. Indeed, we don’t so much think of anyone as a client, but as a partner in this important life decision.
Obviously, we cannot show you all of the rooms without interfering with the ongoing operation of our business, and of course, not everything is along the tour route. Don’t forget, at the gift shop you will have the opportunity to purchase souvenirs, including holograms of all of these rooms. No, I wouldn’t call it tasteless, not at all. You certainly don’t need to buy anything if you don’t want to.
Please follow me into this next corridor. This is our medical division. Our fine staff of internationally trained doctors is on call twenty-four hours a day to ensure that no one ever suffers the disappointment of failure.
Moving along, here is one of our weapons rooms. Great American is proud to have the largest collection of privately-owned firearms outside the NRA Museum in DC. Such lovely – yes, the confiscation was badly handled, I agree. It’s almost a shame that most of us will never get a chance to handle one of these. Unless, of course, you choose to come to Great American.
And choice is what we are all about. Aside from what you’ve already seen, our clients can select from fast and slow poisons, as well as those traditional favorites, injectable drugs and large dosage sleeping pills. As for the more adventuresome, we have a closed track for car wrecks, and our own airport and impact site for skydivers, indoor and outdoor self-immolation pits. Our cold rooms can be brought to minus fifty degrees Celsius in less than three minutes. Intense, high-dose radiation? We’ve done several of those, yes, ma’am.
We have a full array of training films in case you’re uncertain about what you’d prefer. Excerpts from some of the more frequently consulted ones can be seen for a nominal fee at the theater located next to the gift shop. You shouldn’t miss it. It’s the ideal finale to your tour. I’ve watched it several times myself, and it’s always inspirational.
Here is where we get to peek over the shoulders of some more of Great American’s fine professionals, our writers. Let’s face it, none of us have the eloquence of an Ernest Hemingway or a Sylvia Plath. This is another way our talented staff can help. Whether a solemn reflection of life’s accomplishments, or a light-hearted farewell, it will be something those left behind will remember for a long time. Actually, about seventy percent of our clients use this little extra. Check page nine of your sample contract for details. It’s really quite inexpensive, and is such a thoughtful gesture.
For those who prefer to leave a visual farewell, a fully equipped holovision studio is located elsewhere in the facility. I’m afraid it’s not conveniently located to allow us to see it on the tour.
Oh, dear, that’s my phone. One moment.
Is there a Mr. and Mrs. Jackson on the tour? You two, in the back, are you Cindy and Bob? It seems they were expecting you at the Greeting Desk about forty minutes ago. Ah, yes, here come some of our friendly escort people, so you won’t get lost going back there.
Wow, I bet Cindy was a sprinter way back when. The big escort guy? That’s Kevin. Six-nine, two hundred and sixty pounds, all muscle. That’s right, he was with the Chicago Bears for two years. He’s definitely found a good new career here.
Personally, I prefer to think that Cindy and Bob just wanted one last look around Great American before – well, maybe they were just a little confused when they got here. It’s such a big event. Definitely something you only do once.
I see our time is almost up. We’ll have to hurry along this next corridor and take a quick peek at a bit more of what we have to offer. For instance, this pool is very popular. The water is ten feet deep, and the sides rise an additional eight feet above the water level. It’s constructed entirely of frictionless plastic. Yes, sir, all the rooms are soundproofed.
As we near the end of our tour today, I want to point out how many jobs this industry supports. Here at Great American, we are especially proud of our record of employment of minorities and newly documented immigrants.
Now that you’ve seen a small sample of what we have to offer, you might want to take an even closer look at our facilities and services. Don’t let the luxuriousness that you’ve seen today fool you, folks. Great American caters to the cost conscious, with attractive group discounts, holiday specials, and of course the ever-popular family rates. It is our sincere hope we’ll be seeing you again real soon.
No, ma’am, I’m not permitted to accept tips. But if you do choose to make use of our facilities within the next forty-eight hours, I’ll get a small consideration. It’s Great American’s way of acknowledging the part I can play in your decision to partner with us. Thank you anyway. And thank you all for visiting Great American. Have a nice day. Or as we like to say, have a Great American Day!
END
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