David Hankins is the award-winning author of Death and the Taxman. He writes from the thriving cornfields of Iowa where he lives with his wife, daughter, and two dragons disguised as cats. He writes lighthearted stories because that’s what he loves to read and—this is the important bit—there’s not nearly enough humor in the world. David aims to change that, one story at a time. You can find him at https://davidhankins.comThank you so much for the opportunity to join Amazing Stories for Unexpected Questions! I’ve done a lot of interviews, and I have to admit that the questions tend to be … predictable. Tell me about your book, how’d you get started in writing, what’s up with all the duckies in your social media … Don’t get me wrong, I love talking about my writing (and the Lost Bard’s Duckies always find a way into the conversation), and I can blather for hours about my origin story. But today, you promise something different. Something new.
Hit me with your best shot!
If you had to survive in a fantasy world with only the contents of your fridge, what would be your game plan?
Wow. You weren’t joking about ‘unexpected.’ Glad my fridge decided to follow me through the portal. I’ll start by eating the ice cream. Nothing says ‘Ready for Adventure’ like pounding a pint of Chubby Bunny Chocolate Ripple. Then I’ll make a sandwich for later. Fighting goblin hordes tends to make me peckish.
Wait, no bread in the fridge. Drat. Well, guess I’ll just stuff my pockets with salami and cheese.
Lacking weapons, I’ll form a crude mace from the fridge door handle wrapped with cooling coils from the back of the fridge, held together with tightly twisted plastic wrap (which works surprisingly well for rope). I’ll then take anything that could serve as a projectile weapon and, using plastic veggie bags as makeshift luggage, seek my adventure looking like a cross between Mad Max and the Muffin Man.
At this point, my plan is simple: find a dragon, distract it with salami from my pocket, steal its treasure, and set myself up as the next Lord of Refrigeria. If the dragon cottons on to my devious scheme, I defend myself with projectile Pepsi cans and rutabaga (finally, a use for it!) and cover my escape using a stink bomb fashioned out of rochefort and limberger.
Never underestimate the power of cheese.
If you were secretly an alien visitor to the Earth, why are you here?
Wait … what gave me away? No, not what … who. It was the Lost Bard’s Duckies, wasn’t it? Those little blighters need to learn to keep their big beaks shut! That’s what I get for trusting anyone who thinks that interstellar fashion peaked with the invention of the fedora. Though, I will admit, a properly canted fedora makes a good disguise for my antennae.
Well, now that the metaphysical cat is out of the bag, I have to admit that we are fascinated by humanity’s innately perfidious nature. You lie easier than you breathe—even to yourselves! Most races we conquer, erm, welcome into the Federation, are honest and direct and easy to assimilate into our culture as servitude drones. It comes from the nearly universal nature of telepathy. It’s kinda hard to organize a rebellion when we can read your thoughts. But humans are a closed book. Your brains are so jumbled, your thoughts so disorganized, that we can’t make sense of anything you manage to project! Most days, the only telepathic projections I hear are ‘God, I need more coffee’ and ‘Why is the rum always gone?’ Your brains seem to need inordinate quantities of stimulating liquids to function. As for the things you say and do—well, that’s why the Federation sent a research team undercover as your favorite science fiction and fantasy authors. To unravel your love of chaos so we can finally welcome you into the Federation as the servile drones you deserve to be. For your own good, naturally.
But that is, of course, all hypothetical. Because I’m not an alien.
No, I’m not taking off my fedora. Why do you ask?
If you had to choose one of your books to be turned into a cheesy made-for-TV movie, which one would it be and who would you want to play the lead roles?
Ah, back onto more familiar ground. Death and the Taxman would make a fantastically cheesy made-for-TV movie. Just last week Publishers Weekly described it as “sitcomy” and a “fast-paced supernatural adventure.” So, with the Grim Reaper trapped in an IRS agent’s dying body (think Freaky Friday but with a dark humor element), who would play the lead? Hmmm … I think we would need two actors actually. Kevin James (Paul Blart: Mall Cop) would play Frank Totmann/Grim as the fish out of water character with Benedict Cumberbatch (loved his voice of Smaug in Lord of the Rings) narrating Grim’s monologing inner thoughts. I’ve always pictured the Grim Reaper with a deep, dry, British tone. I blame Terry Pratchett.
The female lead, Cora, would have to be Jamie Lee Curtis as a nod to her fabulous role in Freaky Friday. Cora is bright, charming, and an absolute badass when it comes to protecting her family. I could definitely see Curtis playing the role of Cora as the charming tax auditor and mother of three who turned to the dark arts, assaulted Hell itself with a holy-water squirt gun to rescue her daughter, and then sucker-punched the Devil.
Wait, those last two things happened in Death and the Dragon. Guess those will have to go into the cheesy made-for-TV sequel.
If you had to choose between fighting 100 duck-sized robots or one robot-sized duck, which would you pick and why?
100 duck-sized robots, in a heartbeat. Why? Ducks are devious. Oh, sure, they have that cute waddle and quack, but that’s just a ruse to lull you into a false sense of security. Introduce a robot-sized duck, and it’s all over.
Wait a second … what size of robot is this duck? Like a roomba? Are you asking if I could fight 100 duck-sized roombas, or one roomba-sized duck? That’s a whole different kettle of fish! Whew! I thought you were talking about one of them Incredibles-style robots that nearly wiped out the city in the first movie.
Oh, you were? Really? The world ain’t ready for a duck of that size. Nobody is. I wrote about this very thing in Death and the Dragon (book 2 of Grimsworld). Chapter 28 is titled ‘Battle Ducks’ and, well, without spoilers let me just say that even the forces of Hell itself weren’t ready for what came waddling their way.
So, considering that my arsenal consists of one Mad Max-style mace and some withered carrots, I choose … to run away very fast and cover my ‘tactical retreat’ with the last crumbs of rochefort in my pocket. Either the duck will eat it, or the hundred roombas will fight each other for the honor of being the smelliest vacuum in the land.
If you were to write a story featuring yourself as the main character, what kind of adventure would you embark on?
I, um, kind of already did that, and it was a wild comedy romp through… well, let me explain. I recently retired from the US Army after twenty years as a logistics officer. Though I deployed three times and earned two bronze stars, most of my career was spent fighting the most pernicious and unremitting evil in the world: bureaucracy. The first short story I ever wrote was titled “Hell’s Bureaucracy” about a former Army loggie who discovered that his bureaucratic woes were caused by a demon from Hell’s Department of Bureaucratic Torments (not far from the truth, actually). Sam Davidson (my alter ego in the story) finally defeats his foe by making a deal with the devil, though the devil should have paid attention to the details of their deal. That story earned an Honorable Mention in Writers of the Future and was just reprinted for the third time in my latest book Simple Sabotage: Surviving Bureaucracy with Snark and Style, published on April Fools’ Day 2025. This novella-length book also has three new stories from Sam’s perspective (aka, my perspective), one of which was pulled full-cloth from my life with only the names and a few minor details changed to protect the innocent. Simple Sabotage also contains excerpts from the recently declassified 1944 Simple Sabotage Field Manual which outlines the gloriously Machiavellian ways that simple employees can derail bureaucracy, something that is 100% within my style of satire.
So, my adventures would involve an office setting, a blessed letter opener that can banish demons, and inordinate quantities of snark and sarcasm.
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Thank you so much for the Unexpected Questions! They exceeded their reputation. I currently have two novels, two collections, and a slew of short stories published both online and in anthologies. I’m most proud of my novel Death and the Taxman (Grimsworld Book 1, referenced above) which released on Tax Day 2024 and has since won the 2024 Book of the Year for Outstanding Humor/Comedy/Satire (Independent Author Network) and Best Science Fiction and Fantasy Novel of 2024 (Critters Readers’ Poll). My latest book is Simple Sabotage: Surviving Bureaucracy with Snark and Style, a Grimsworld collection/satirical guide for the modern employee. My books are available nearly everywhere including my webstore at https://davidhankins.com. While you’re there, join the Lost Bard’s Letter for monthly writing news and more fun stories. I’m also very active on Facebook and Instagram and several other platforms; just search “David Hankins – Author” if you like silly memes about books, cats, and coffee.Website:
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