Thank you for purchasing our new designated driver humanoid! Life will get much easier! And now for a long, long list of side effects…
Congratulations on purchasing your new Designated Android Bro (D. A. B.)!
What is D. A. B.?
- A. B. is a humanoid designated driver who’ll keep you entertained and safe after a night of partying! Our models will eliminate the typical woes plaguing the ridesharing experience (i.e., coercive small talk, obligatory tipping, or potential kidnapping) as well as the dodginess of self-driving cars.
Upon first inspection, you may be wondering, “Why has my model arrived in a coffin?”
This formidable enclosure may be jarring at first, but it ensures all models are protected from the elements and can maintain their anthropoid physique. Initially, D. A. B. will resemble a department store mannequin but, after a full charge, the model will transform into a walking, talking, driving ally, set on chauffeuring you around the town when you want to get a little–or a lot– tipsy!
Before turning the D. A. B. to ON mode, select the proper Energy Level you would like your model synchronized to on your ride. The four levels are High, Medium, Low, and Zero, the latter rendering your model completely speechless and incapable of verbal communication (Note: We suggest sober trial runs at each level, familiarizing yourself with your D. A. B.’s various temperaments before becoming inebriated).
With a set of easy-to-follow instructions and a lengthy–but exciting!–activation process, your electrically-charged companion will be on the road in no time, ensuring a smooth trip home so you can enjoy that late-night buzz with a lively chum behind the helm!
Your model will only converse about the topics, conversations, and opinions you selected upon purchase so, you will only hear D.A.B. discuss what’s relevant to you! No hot takes here!
For our eco-conscious customers, the D. A. B. Corporation is thrilled to inform you that our latest models are all built with organic, sustainable, biodegradable material! Once your driving buddy reaches its expiration date (decomposition rates may vary), your D. A. B.’s remains will make an excellent addition to your compost heap!
Can you say the same about your last, human designated driver? We didn’t think so!
So, whether you’re looking for a DD with an uproarious joke up its sleeve (curated by you), some hot tips on the stock market, or maybe just an empathetic comrade with whom you can divulge your deepest fears and most cherished secrets without judgment, D. A. B. is ready to accommodate your needs!
READ ALL INFORMATION BELOW THOROUGHLY BEFORE USE
-Because each D. A. B. is made of organic, sustainable, biodegradable material, help extend your model’s shelf life by keeping it indoors as much as possible.
-To avoid accelerating decomposition, do not feed or offer D. A. B. food or drink.
-Owner will not receive car keys from D. A. B. until blood alcohol level is under 0.00%. Plan accordingly.
-For further upkeep instructions, purchase the D. A. B. Maintenance and Hygiene Manual on our website.
LEGAL CONCERNS
-Each D. A. B. must maintain a valid driver’s license and possess an active car insurance policy at the owner’s expense.
-Owner may be responsible for fees (i.e., parking tickets, unpaid tolls) accumulated by D. A. B. during driving sessions.
-Confidentiality agreements between owner and D. A. B. are not admissible in a court of law; lay bare the specifics of your personal life with an abundance of caution.
-Conduct independent research before pursuing financial advice proposed by D. A. B.
-D. A. B. will never ask for your social security information, bank account number, or email password. However, owners should avoid freely providing their D. A. B. with data that could result in personal or financial ruin.
-D. A. B. can only be issued a Class C license. Use for motorcycles, snowmobiles, all-terrain vehicles (ATVs), big rigs, or boats of any kind is strictly prohibited.
SAFETY CONCERNS
-When not in use, keep D. A. B. secure in its enclosure with padlock in place.
-Respect D. A. B.’s boundaries; do not touch the model without warning and avoid sudden movements while the model is driving.
-To reduce risk of injury, ensure D. A. B. is fully charged before operation of any vehicle.
-To report any glitches or bugs with your D. A. B. model, please contact Customer Support immediately at 1-800-DAB-DRIVER.
-Remain awake and vigilant while D. A. B. is driving*
*In the unlikely event a model turns rogue, call 9-1-1. If possible, seek shelter.**
**Disclosure: D. A. B. Corporation cannot be held liable for your D. A. B.’s actions. Review your contract for further inquiry.
With D. A. B. at the wheel, your Friday night just got a whole lot easier!
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