OBIR: Occasional Biased and Ignorant Reviews reflecting this reader’s opinion.
MURDER-CHICKENS ON MARS – by D.G. Valdron
& B-MOVIE MONSTERS IN LOVE – by D.G. Valdron
Publisher: Fossil Cove Press, Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, 2025.
Cover Art and Design: by D.G. Valdron
D.G. Valdron is a prolific writer. A lawyer by profession, he has an uncanny ability to delve deep into research (precedents) and spin the most outrageous concepts in a precise and logical manner (legal arguments). And, like most successful lawyers, is a workaholic who can’t stop thinking or writing. At least twenty books to date and more on the way.
His publications reflect his wide-ranging interests. There’s fantasy and horror fiction, “The Mermaid’s Tale,” “Squad 13 Worse than Death,” “Drunk Slutty Elf & other stories,” “What Devours Also Hungers,” etc., plus two volumes of an alternative WWII series set in South America, a definitive media study titled “Starlost Unauthorized and the Quest for Canadian Identity,” three volumes on unusual aspects of the Dr. Who series, and an incredibly detailed 4-volume set of “Lexx Unauthorized, The Surreal Story of the Strangest Space Opera ever Made!” To name just a few of his works.
And then there are his five books of essays examining unusual cult mythology in both pseudo-science and film and analyzing them as if they are real. As he puts it, “This book is for nerds. If you’re not a nerd, keep on walking.” Now, I’m a film nerd. I have more than 1,000 SF and B-movie monster flics in my collection, but he knows the field far better than I. So, when he goes to town on this or that movie series as if they were documentaries, I thoroughly enjoy the logic of his premises and find them great fun.
I have chosen two of his “Curious and Exotic Speculations” anthologies to review. I begin with “Murder-Chickens on Mars.”
The opening section is titled “Martian Civilizations That Came and Went.” It’s a great overview of the history of speculation about life on Mars by astronomers, and how the advent of early probe photographs led to a veritable orgy of speculation by amateur enthusiasts. The most famous example being “The Face on Mars” which achieved cult status, even being incorporated into a Mars exploration movie or two. Other “discoveries” followed: pyramids, cities, fortresses, and most recently, too recently to be included in this book, the gigantic outline of an Amazon parrot. To prove the nature of these objects, one way or another, a closer look was required.
In 1998 the Global Surveyor orbiter began its work. It can see objects as small as the landers. Alas, every Martian construct turns out to be a natural formation. No evidence of ancient ruins whatsoever. As D.G. puts it:
“There are still a few diehards running around, pouring over Global Surveyor photos. Minutely examining each picture sent back from the red planet by rovers, growing excited over oddly shaped rocks or suspicious shadows. The professionals and serious researchers have departed long ago.”
D.G.’s essay neatly encapsulates an era of profoundly intense wishful thinking about the red planet. Very much a study of human imagination gone berserk. Quite interesting in its way, but over and done with. Sanity has returned to Martian studies.
Next, D.G. examines the early Toho Studio giant Kaiju monster series, beginning with Godzilla (1954) and ending with “Destroy All Monsters” (1999), all on the supposition they record real events. He asks questions. What are these things? Where did they come from? How are they related? How did they evolve? Deliriously he ties them all together, creating a coherent timeline going back 360 million years. He even explains the origin and interrelationship of all the alien and lost civilizations involved: the Mysterians, the Natals, the inhabitants of Mu, the Martians, the Xillians, the Kilaaks, the Hunter M Nebulans, the Seatopians, and the Peacelanders. He explains what they are up to and why they are so incompetent. For a Godzilla nerd, this is 7th heaven stuff, endlessly fascinating. Wonderfully entertaining.
What about the murder-chickens? He gets to them in a section devoted to the Silurian hypothesis, that a non-human civilization once rose on Earth, reached a level of technological development equivalent to our own, then collapsed and every bit of evidence of their existence has since been destroyed by the passage of millions of years. Of course, the absence of proof is not proof of anything, but it leaves a wide-open window for speculation of which D.G. takes full advantage.
D.G. defines four basics for a species to evolve into intelligent beings. It must already possess large brains, sensory acuity, some kind of manipulative capacity, and sociability. Most species he deems unsuitable. The first possibility he considers is Cephalopods. Trouble is they tend to be short-lived, and it’s hard to see how they could develop modern technology in an underwater environment, how to smelt metal for instance. Still, they’ve been around for millions of years. At some point they could have developed a superior mentality which overcame inbuilt handicaps, but today no trace remains of the species in question or of their works. Pity.
But then there’s the Paleocene-Eocene Thermal Maximum or PETM. “It was a time, approximately 55.5 million years ago when suddenly, for no apparent reason, global temperatures spiked, jumping 5 to 8 degrees, for a couple of hundred thousand years, before returning to normal. The period that triggered it may have been as short as 6,000 years, the time frame of almost everything that could be called human civilization on this planet… Definitely, something strange and extreme went on during this period. Something fairly unique. The only other time we’ve seen evidence of that kind of weird anomalous spike possibly emerging is… us. We seem to be doing it right now at this moment.”
So, if PETM is taken as evidence of the rise and fall of a super advanced civilization (in lieu of a natural cause no one has thought of yet), what sort of critter was around beforehand which more or less possessed the four requirements as a basis for evolving into intelligent tech nerds? The dinosaurs were long gone. Mammals were not yet dominant. How about the dominant land predators of the period, the huge flightless birds known as Gastornithiforms, whose largest species were seven feet tall and weighed at least 400 pounds? Suppose their flightless wings evolved into grasping arms? Their large brains grew larger? They already possessed acute forward vision. Possibilities. Possibilities. Perhaps their astronauts reached Mars prior to their collapse. Hence the title of the book. Again, loads of fun to read.
The book concludes with a look at television critters like the “Dr. Who” Sea Devils and the Sleestaks from “Land of the Lost.” D.G. explains what they were up to and why.
And now, “B-Movie Monsters in Love!”
D.G. starts with a look at assorted aquatic gillmen found in films like “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” and “Destination Inner Space.” He postulates they may all derive from a common ancestor.
Then comes the meat of the book, his reviews of five Amicus films: “The Land that Time Forgot” (1974), “At the Earth’s Core” (1976), “The People that Time Forgot” (1977), “Warlords of Atlantis” (1978), and “Arabian Adventure” (1979). Yes, they are very silly films, gloriously silly, and D.G. goes to great length detailing their demented plots and how much fun they are to anyone sporting an inner child. Instant nostalgia, reading his appreciation of these films.
The next section is where he examines the assorted incredible monsters and primitive races involved, the Falcons, the Bos, the Mossops, the Mahars, the Saurus, the Sagoths, and the Mogdaan. D.G. actually succeeds in providing a rationale for these creatures’ existence and the logic behind their behaviour. Amazing.
Then comes a delightful section, especially to Harryhausen fans, exploring the relationship between Cyclops and Satyrs, with chapter headings like: “Cyclops Anatomy,” “Bipedal Posture,” “Goat Legs and Hoofed Feet,” “If it’s not Human, what is it?” “Why Only One Eye?” and “Lifestyle, Habits and Intelligence.” Fascinating stuff, at least to nerds like me.
I’d like to point out that D.G., in both books, knows what he’s talking about when it comes to evolution and anatomy. He’s done extensive research. For example, in referring to the extinct 60 pound baboon Paradolichopithecus which wandered about Europe and Asia in the Pliocene and early Pleistocene, he comments, “Now the fascinating thing about Paradolichopithecus, is that their hind legs and particularly their ankle structure is very similar to Australopithecus. These little guys, roughly half the size of hominoids, or less, were also developing their own variations of bipedalism. Paradolichopithecus may well have been bipedal, or semi-bipedal.”
And who knows what that could have led to? Tool using? Larger brains? Taming fire?
D.G.’s forays into alternate evolution are credibly serious and thought provoking. That aspect alone makes these books well worth reading.
Then comes an alternate history monograph on lost antediluvian worlds in remote regions, written by Professor Edward Challenger III and titled “A Natural History of Slurpasaurs.” Especially great fun, this one.
CONCLUSION:
With my interest in B-movies, paleontology and planetary geology I found both books gleefully entertaining. Enjoyed them immensely. They may not be for everyone, but if you are a nerd like me they are definitely a pleasure to read. D.G has an offbeat sense of humour which his vivid imagination exploits to greatly amusing effect. I love these books.
Check out www.denvaldron.com for more info about his publications.
Purchase MURDER-CHICKENS ON MARS here: Murder-Chickens on Mars
Purchase B-MOVIE MONSTERS IN LOVE here: B-Movie Monsters in Love!
